Share YOU CAN NEVER TEAR APART A ROCK AND ROLL HEART - 1st Liberation (Self released)

Dear Barman,

I thought we were mates. I just can’t understand why you sent me this to review. Am I being punished? This is blow back on the Melbourne thing, isn’t it? There was that Speed Demons review that left you fending off death threats for weeks after. Yeah, I feel bad about that too. Not what I wrote about them, mind you. They had it coming. But at least the Speed Demons wanted to offend people and I figured they might at least appreciate it when someone finally took umbrage.

1st Liberation? They are so much worse. Man, I can’t begin to tell you how bad they stink. I wondered if it was possible to go into negative bottles. The CD sounds like Deep Purple or Rainbow or one of a hundred other ghastly British hair metal bands of the mid Seventies. Worse still, I reckon 1st Liberation actually worked hard to sound like that. They bought the records. They checked out the guitar tabs. They practiced nightly in their rooms. They set their irony meters at zero. Their tongues were nowhere near their cheeks when they entered into this enterprise. They just looked at Wolfmother and saw the gold in them there hills. After that, they would never know the touch of a barber’s hand again.

What is even more appalling is that they are probably right. Some major label could easily scoop this crap up. There will be sponsorship deals with Gibson guitars and Marshall amps. You and I will be forced to listen to this over and over again when they stick one of these abominable songs on an advert for a new range of flared Levi Jeans. (Liberate yourself first with Levi Flares!) Our kids may even put it on their MP3 players (but I surely hope we have raised them better than that). It will be god damn awful, I tell you. It’ll be like punk never happened. Everywhere we go, they’ll show re-runs of old Faces concerts on wide screened TVs (that will at least make Rod Stewart look like a fat bastard). Bad Company will announce their reformation. Everyone will start playing Status Quo covers. The horror. The Horror.

Fortunately, this is just a self released EP. (Christ they look like dorks on the cover, don’t they?) Maybe, they don’t have the appropriate social skills to approach record labels. Unfortunately, my guess is that they all went to rock and roll school. They will have advanced diplomas in corporate arse kissing. Let’s face it, we are doomed. Doomed I tells ya. You can never tear apart a Rock and Roll heart? 1st Liberation try. They try hard.

Best regards,

Bob Short

No bottles out of five

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