Livid Festival
(White Stripes, BMRC, Turbonegro, Less Than Jake, Frenzal Rhomb, Hellacopters, Gazoonga Attack, Living End, Linkin Park + many more)
October 11, 2003
Moore Park, Sydney


Well I ain't been to no Livid before, but any festival that's going to have The Hellacopters and Turbo Fucking Negro !!!!! - well I'm there. Livid in Sydney was held at Moore Park, that's just soooo much easier for me to get to than fucking HomoBush where the Big Day Out now occurs.

I was thinking what to wear and settled on my brand new Kelpies T-shirt with sleeves cut off and neck cut out - I always do that to some of my T-shirts. I used to do that back in Queensland where is so fuckin' hot, it ain't funny and where every pussy is wet and real warm!! And Queensland is where Livid started, a fair while ago, they migrated to Sydney last year but I didn't go cause all the bands were fuckstick. Yeah, that's right - all 50 of 'em!! This year was a different story altogether.

I saw some GREAT T-shirts; the best one was on a real petite chick and it said in normal writing: "Bush is another name for Cunt". Very stylish. Any chick wearing a T-shirt that says cunt is showing great Australian spirit. There was a chick dressed as a "Slut Nurse" with a tiny hat, very cool. There were also quite a few chicks that looked like Gazoonga Attack fans; the chick with the biggest boobs I saw all day had a Zeke T-shirt on. Man, I really wanted to fuck her while listening to "Kicked in The Teeth". Well, I said hello and she didn't respond - I gotta admit I look like a kinda old creepy rock retard!!

Here's a list of what I ate: 1 Thai Chicken Roll, 1 Thai Chicken burger, 1 bacon and egg roll, 1 chicken Kebab, a low fat ice cream, 6 Pepsi's and 3 waters. I also had a stack off gum cause my breath smells like shit lately. (Next morning, I got up early and did a two-hour walk to alleviate my guilt. I also may have to go back to Overeaters Anonymous).

It was a pretty windy cold day, very unusual for spring here in Sydney, dust was blowing and the cold was just out of place. Here's some of the bands I hated:

Less Than Jake

Man, I had to suffer through the last half of these jogger punks to see Turbonegro. Less Than Jake just sound like a cash register to me. They call themselves punk but they are kinda like a boy band or something. They are a totally predictable record company money making advertisement for jockey shorts.

To top it off, they had a ska influence. Jesus, I hate ska. Sure they had spikey blond hair but the music lacked any dirt or intensity, at best they were silly healthy talentless up vibe snorkel fuckers.

I got a new name for them: Less Than Punk.

Frenzal Rhomb

These guys are a punk band, yeah? Really? They are a kids TV show. They would make a good cartoon or something. These guys remind me more of the Partridge Family than punk.

Man, they have one drumbeat - one, for like every song. Well, I guess if you find the formula....

Hey, Russell Crowe could beat the shit out of all of them at once no problem, I would rather see Russell Crowe's band, at least chicks who go to see Russ have a bath.

If they get their own TV show I'm watching - but I ain't seeing them play live again.

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

Ha!! I read somewhere these guys saved and are the future of rock 'n' roll. Really ? naahhh, just kidding. These lame mule fuckers are the MOST boring band ever I ever saw. Their music could shine the wood on coffins - that's all it would be good for.

I just could not stop shaking my head in disbelief. It's unreal what the music industry gets away with. Frankly, I'm amazed, their dads must own the label or something.

Hack Label Coffin Polishers more like it. Hey, you can just see these fashion icons sitting around brainstorming their 'cool' name:

"Black Rebel Motorcycle Club."

"I love it Bob!!"

"Wow, we will be soooo cool!!!!!"

The Living End

Well, they seem like good guys. I don't really hate them, but I just think they need a singer who has a mature melody thing happening.

The vocal melodies just turn down the easy pop street to much, if they had some cunt like the singer from the Screaming Trees - or someone a bit fucked up - I would like them more. They have a great energy and are good fast players, but the poppy singing kills it for me.

Linkin Park

HA!! These are the latest Limp Korn kinda band from the US. Rap Metal: That's like mixing milk and urine - it just ain't gonna taste good.

They are sooo serious, doing all that hand jive shit. I fucking laughed out loud - they looked like some gay cabaret from Oxford Street in the '80s.

They are kinda like "safe angry music" or something. They really need a GOOD hairdresser, less distortion pedals, some colourful clothes and sunny attitudes. Just don't call em dude!!

The kids there were diggin' all these bands, so it just goes to show why I ain't an A & R guy for "Cocaine Big Cock Rip Off Records". Speaking of kids, here's a 13-year-old perspective on some of one of the Livid bands he liked - take it away, Spike:

White Stripes

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club had just finished the crowd was restless after their shameful display of retarded and boring so-called mind blowing songs. But we all knew what we wanted to see, our favourite brother and sister duo, The White Stripes.

After BRMCÕs gear was off stage, three or four roadies dressed in black suits and red ties came out sporting MegÕs red-and-white Ludwig drum kit and Jack's airline electric guitar and acoustic guitar. The lights dimmed and the curtains at the back of the stage were drawn revealing a giant white surface which was used as a light show background for different coloured lights to shine on.

Jack ran on stage, followed by Meg. Jack picked up his airline guitar and ripped into the high energy rockÕnÕroll black math with Meg behind the drum kit. They went for a fully fledged rock ÕnÕr roll revival. They didn't stop after that they went through four more songs without stopping. Then the sound of Jack's guitar had gone from distorted to the quiet melody of a cold, cold night.

Meg got up and slowly walked to the microphone; she sang without fault and returned to her drums to play some blues. They played a lot of songs from past albums but yet played just the right amount of new material to keep the whole crowd happy. After an hour and 15 minutes of playing, Jack suddenly said "Thank you" and walked off stage.

The crowd around me was shocked. We were all chanting, again and again: "White Stripes, White Stripes, White Stripes" then Jack and Meg came into view. They were back for an encore. Jack started to play the most recognisable riff that that night: "Seven Nation Army". The crowed went hyper and sung along with every word. Then after one more song it was time to go. Jack thanked the crowd on his and MegÕs behalf, flicked his red plectrum into the crowd then walked off with Meg by his side.

The White Stripes came out that night and truly did something special. The energy and genius was so amazing, it was a really great gig and if I were you I would see them at any future gigs.

Well that's what Livid's for - kids - but there were a few bands I really liked.

Gazoonga Attack

Man, these girls are "Do It Yourself" and "Pay Your Dues" icons. They keep getting better and better and this was clearly a watershed moment for the Queens of Mini Skirt Screaming Distortion Punk Rock. They play a gutsy dirty Australian style of Punk Rock and Roll that's getting more and more popular from month to month. They drink, they rock, they swear, they scream. I really enjoyed their set. My favourite is Tamarra (but she has a boyfriend !!)

The Hellacopters

It was the shortest set I ever saw the Hellacopters do but it took 'em one song to warm up and then blammo, the Hellacopters sonic blowtorch ignited the place. The crowd was really generous and screamed their fucking heads off at every opportunity. Simply, it was just such great fun to watch them play rock n roll.

I reckon Robert Ericsson is one of the greatest rock 'n' roll drummers of the last 10 years easy - up there with Barrett Martin (Screaming Trees), he plays drums like two spastic epileptics fucking, driving the band at 100 mph. These guys are so fucking tight (a nun's cunt came to mind) and real rock 'n' roll: pure, fast, energetic bliss.

Long live the Hellacopters.

Nicke Hellacopter at Livid - Sabina Collins photo

Turbo Fuckin Negro

At last - at last - we are free, at last my brothers. I was so exited to see these guys and I wasn't disappointed. Before the show, I was checking out the hard core Turbonegro fans and we all looked like kinda fat retards on vacation from the place where Jack Nicholson was, there were a lot of ass jokes in the front, and people were very friendly without any penises being drawn. It was clearly a special occasion.

The denim-clad Rock 'n' Roll Kings of the World burst on stage, made up and ready to rock. They kicked off with the opening track from Scandinavian Leather and hauled ass though Apocalypse Dudes. The high point of the show was the whole show, I'd waited years to see these fuckers and I had a maximum good time. Turbonegro is as good as it gets.

Needless to say, at the end of the day I was pretty happy. I saw all my rock 'n' roll friends. I highly recommend seeing Turbonegro with Big Al Creed and Sabina Collins. Over the next week-and-a-half I will see the 'Copters and Turbo doing pub shows. I am having a pretty rock n roll two weeks.

Thanks to Livid for putting the gig on close to my suburb. Hey, the Big Day Out looks pretty fuckstick this year so Livid may have been it for me. See what happens, huh? Rock on, brothers and sisters.

Hank van Helvete at Livid
- Sabina Collins photo