Posted October 22, 2009

"FUCK DEBBIE, I'M CELIBATE!"

 

By JOHN WADDELL

Let's get down to cases-

40 years ago: Woodstock - it meant fuck all to me 'cause I wasn't born when it happened

30 years ago: Sid Vicious OD'ing - I was too young to have noticed, let alone cared

20 years ago: An event occurred of great importance to yours truly.

I'm 13,on school holidays and hanging out with people close to home thinking I'm gonna get some teenage pleasure out of seeing Debbie Does Dallas.

What I came away with instead was becoming a fan of The Celibate Rifles.

A risky venture truth be told-I'd read about them in various publications years before,but none of the articles I read told me their band name was a pisstake of The Sex Pistols and I shouldn't take seriously an album title like "The Turgid Miasma Of Existence".

Anyway,the host of this affair,thinking he was about to show Debbie getting done, sticks in a tape that kickstarts with the clip for "O Salvation" by mistake and immediately, my Rifles cherry's been popped.

In fact,Debbie was put on hold a while longer 'cause I insisted -no, DEMANDED - the host give me more of "O Salvation". I knew he and everyone else around me thought it funny I should take more of a shine to a band with a name like The Celibate Rifles, as much as they were laughing at what Damien Lovelock was getting up to(the way he dressed, the way he glided towards the screen,the way he upwardly dished out the choruses to the camera and most of all,the way he cut the rug) I didn't care- once that happened, there was no turning back.

How could I possibly look for sexual enlightenment now when musically (unlike Debbie) it doesn't fuck about (the killer riff is proof, if you needed any), contains cracking lyrics like -

We're getting older but no more wise
I'm looking but I don't believe my eyes
Kids with machine guns selling crack
I've never seen a hearse with a luggage rack

Pick my pocket,steal my car
Burgle my house,take my guitar
Ring the police's emergency line
Drive to the station,get a parking fine

...and Damien's passionate delivery of:

You took your sweet time getting here?

No-one knows what happened to that nmypho cheerleader after she did Dallas. I don't see much of the company I kept back then (especially the host, oddly enough, and if he didn't turn out to be such a nasty piece of work later on, I'd thank him.)

The Rifles, who are criminally overlooked for reasons too numerous to get into here and don't play live all that often, are still a part of my life and I'm all the better for it.

 

 

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